Best Cordless Drill For Home Use in 2023
BLACK+DECKER 20V MAX Cordless Drill / Driver, 3/8-Inch (LDX120C)
- Ideal for drilling into wood, metal plastic and all screw driving tasks
- Chuck Size: 3/8 inch; Clutch Setting: 11; Included Components: (1) LDX120 Drill/Driver, (1) LBX20 20V MAX* Lithium Ion Battery, (1) LCS20 Charger, (1) Double Ended Bit; Power Source: Cordless
- Lithium Ion Technology & 20V MAX: Lighter, more compact, no memory, longer life
- 11 Position Clutch: Provides precise control for drilling into wood, metal, plastic, and all screwdriving tasks
- Compact and Lightweight: Less fatigue and allows users to drill / screw in confined spaces. Part of the 20V MAX System A System that Demands Attention
- Variable Speed: Allows countersinking without damaging material
BLACK+DECKER 20V MAX Cordless Drill / Driver with 30-Piece Accessories (LD120VA)
- Ideal for drilling through or screwing in wood, metal, and plastic, soft grip handle provides added comfort during use
- The lithium ion battery holds a charge for up to 18 months
- 30 accessories include drill and screwdriving bits, nut drivers, and magnetic bit tip holder
- Kit also includes one 20 volt lithium ion battery and charger;Uses:Drilling through wood, metal, and plastic, Screwdriving though wood, metal, and plastic.RPM : 0 650 rpm
- Chuck Size: 3/8 in; Clutch Setting: 24; Included Components: LD120 20Volt MAX Lithium Drill/Driver, (1) LB20 20Volt MAX Lithium Ion Battery, (1) LCS20 Charger, (6) Brad Point Drill Bits, (10) 1 inch Screw driving Bits, (9) 2 inch Screw driving Bits, (4) Nut Drivers, (1) Magnetic Bit Tip Holder; Power Source: Cordless
WORKSITE 8V Electric Cordless Drill Screwdriver with 1300mA Lithium-Ion Battery, 16 Position Keyless Clutch, Variable Speed Switch, Lightweight, Built-In LED Light, 13 Pcs Bits Set, Magnet Wristband
- 【Convenient Drill Driver】3/8-Inch Keyless Chuck for Quick and Easy Bit Changing.
- 【Lightweight Cordless Drill】Lightweight compact design makes it easier for a woman to finish the work.
- 【Adequate Accessories Cordless Screwdriver】13 Accessories included, designed for the most common applications. Magnet Wristband which can hold at least 10 bits, easy to change the Bits.
- 【User-friendly Screwdriver Set】A built-in LED light illuminates dark corners and low-light areas to keep visibilty. Soft rubberrized handle provides you with comfortable grip feeling and less fatigue for most everyday tasks.
- 【Widely Applicable Electric Driver】15+1 Torque Settings 0-550 rpm, delivers optimal performance, ideal for drilling into wood, plastic and all screw driving tasks, But please attention, it is not good for heavy duty jobs.
Cordless Drill/Driver Kit, 48pcs Drill Set w/Lithium-Ion Battery Brushes Tape Measure - 12V Max Drill 280 In-lb Torque, 18+1 Metal Clutch, 3/8" Keyless Chuck, Built-in LED - Wood Bricks Walls Metal
- 【Proudly Present KIMO Li-ion Technology】For over 25 years, KIMO has grouped an engineering team that leads and shapes battery technology and portal power tools with a powerful portfolio of groundbreaking products and consumer-led innovation. Our 1,000-Charging Cycle Test guarantees that each KIMO battery is lighter, more powerful, and lives longer than others. No worries about dying batteries anymore. Go with KIMO, enjoy, and accomplish more than you ever expected.
- 【3/8 Keyless Chuck & Forward/Reserve Control】Working with KIMO drill is pretty easy and straightforward. 3/8’’ keyless chuck provides an automatic spindle lock that enables one-hand changing with great accessory compatibility. The Forward/Reverse switch allows you to either screw or replace/remove bits on your purposes.
- 【18+1 Clutch, 2-Variable Speed& 280In-lb Torque】Equipped with 2 in 1 working mode - driving and drilling, KIMO 12V Drill/Driver is your good partner to work around. 18 adjustable clutch settings with variable pressure trigger (2-speed: 0-350RPM,0-1350RPM) help complete a wide range of applications precisely. No matter it is household reconstruction, improvements, DIY handcrafts, or auto repairs, consider KIMO drill as a you CANNOT MISS everyday drill/driver.
- 【Lightweight, Ergonomic Design & Front LED】The most compact (7-in from chuck to back) and lightweight (1.8-lb) drill/driver in 12V-class with amazing performance-to-weight ratio, minimizes fatigue in most daily jobs; Rubber-covered handle with ergonomic design provides maximum comfort grip for being breezily operated in one hand and less vibration; Trigger-activated LED light illuminates any enclosed work space.
- 【48 Pcs Premium Accessories】Get your KIMO power tools and let us prepare any accessories you need, each 12V Drill/Driver Combo comes with 3-Drill Brush, in conjunction with the hammer drill can easily remove and clean stains; 1-Flexible Shaft; 3-Brad Point Drill Bits; 6-Twist Drill Bits; 33-Screwdriver Bits; 1-Carrying Bag; 1-Fast Charger; 1-Battery; and 1-Tape Measure.
20V Max/18V Electric Cordless Drill - 3/8" Keyless Chuck, Lightweight Cordless Drill,Rechargeable Lithium-Ion battery Drill/Driver,Durable&Fast Application Speeds Dirll kit by AUTOJARE
- This cordless drill/driver kit is ideal for effortless screw driving and screw removal as well as for drilling in wood, metal and plastic, for the fastening and loosening of bolts, nuts and various threaded fasteners.
- Ergonomic Design: Lightweight tools designed to fit the users' needs, Soft grip handle for added comfort and total control without heavy fatigue while using
- Power Tool Type: Cordless , with variable speed dial to adjust speed, with collet locking sleeve of quick change mechanism for convenient usage.
- Powered by the 20V Max/18V ,1.5AH Lithium-ion battery for strong and steady power and endurable run time, which is supplied with the battery charger, simple and convenient to charge; # Important# the Maximum initial battery pack voltage （measured without a workload）is 20 volts and the nominal voltage is 18 volts.
- LED Lights for providing increased visibility in dark or confined spaces to work
BLACK+DECKER 18V Cordless Drill/Driver Variable Speed (GCO18SFB)
- Variable speed/reverse design
- Ideal for a variety of materials
- Includes an 18V battery, charger, stud finder and storage bag.
- Lightweight, compact tool powered by an 18-volt battery
- Clutch Setting: 24; Included Components: 18V Drill, (1) HPB18 18V Battery Pack, (1) DC Plug Charger, Storage Bag, Stud Finder; Power Source: Cordless
- Lightweight, compact tool powered by an 18-volt battery
- Keyless chuck for effortless bit changes; 24-position clutch provides optimum control without stripping screws
- Includes stud finder that locates studs through walls measuring up to 3/4-inch thick
- Weighs 4.7 pounds (shipped); 2-year warranty
- Includes one HPB18 18-volt battery pack, DC plug charger, storage bag, and stud finder
COLMAX Hand Combo Power Tool set 35 pcs, With 16.8V Cordless Drill and Household Repairing Mixed Tools, Daily Use Home Repairing Tool Kit
- 【TOOL KIT INCLUDES】16.8V CORDLESS DRILL X1, DRILL CHARGER X1, DRILL BATTERY X1, 3M TAPE MEASURE X1, MULTI FUNCTION SCREWDRIVER X1, UTILITY KNIFE X1, ELECTRICAL TEST PENCIL X1, SCISSORS X1, 6PCS SCREWDRIVER BIT6" VISE X1, CLAW HAMMER X1, 8" ADJUSTABLE WRENCH X1, 6" PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER X1, 6" SLOTTED SCREWDRIVER X1, MEASURING VIAL SPRIT LEVEL X1, WOOD DRILL X1, TWIST DRLLS X3, MASONRY DRILLS X2, DRILL FLEXIBLE SHAFT X1, SOCK SET X8
- 【MULTI USES】 Meet multi professional household DIY and home improvement needs, such as household repairing, furniture assembling, woodwork etc.
- 【HIGH QUALITY】 All tools meet or exceed ANSI standards. HIGHT CARBON STEEL makes the tools sturdy and durable. Tools are built to last a lifetime, all parts are tightly adhered with each other, designed to use them for more than 10 years without rust or abscission.
- 【DOUBLE GUARANTEE】 Fulfilled by Amazon, your rights will be ensured by Amazon policy. Beyond that, we provide 3-month warranty, if you have any question with the products, we will always do our best to help you!
Avid Power 20V MAX Lithium Ion Cordless Drill, Power Drill Set with 3/8 inches Keyless Chuck, Variable Speed, 16 Position and 22pcs Drill/Driver Bits
- MULTIFUNCTIONAL BATTERY PACK: 20V 1.5Ah Lithium-ion battery pack with USB output compatible for phone charging and real-time capacity indicator
- 15+1 POSITION CLUTCH: 15+1 torque settings provide precise control for driving in/out screws to prevent stripping, and drilling into wood, ceramics, drywall, plastics and even metal with ease. Max torque for drilling into wood 13/16”(20mm) or steel plate 3/8” (10mm).
- ERGONOMIC DESIGN: Compact and lightweight design with superior motor minimizes fatigue in most daily screwing and drilling tasks; Rubber-covered handle provides a comfortable grip for being breezily operated in one hand.
- EFFICIENT WORKING: A flexible shaft could be used in some places where driver bits are hard to reach; LED light illuminates dark working areas; Variable speed（0-550RPM）with electric brake function provides precise operation.
- WHAT'S INCLUDED: 10pcs drill bits, 10pcs driver bits, an extension bar for sticking on fastener and a magnetic flexible shaft for hard-to-reach places, US based customer support
BLACK+DECKER 20V MAX Cordless Drill Combo Kit, 4-Tool (BD4KITCDCRL)
- Part of the black+decker 20V max* battery system and 2 batteries doubles the runtime for larger projects and less down time
- Drill / Driver features an 11 position clutch with a LED work light to illuminate the work surface
- Circular saw features a high torque motor with a 5-1/2" blade
- Reciprocating saw features 3000Spm motor, 7/8" stroke length and tool-free blade changes
- LED work ight offers 70 Lumens for up to 11 hours of runtime
- Included Components: (1) LDX120 Drill/Driver, (1) BDCCS20 Circular Saw, (1) BDCR20 Reciprocating Saw, (1) BDCF20 Work Light, (2) LBXR20 20V MAX* Lithium Ion Batteries, (1) Battery Charger, (1) Double Ended Bit, (1) 5.5" Circular Saw Blade, (1) Reciprocating Saw Blade
DEWALT 20V MAX Cordless Drill / Driver Kit, Compact, 1/2-Inch (DCD771C2)
- Compact, lightweight design fits into tight areas
- High performance motor delivers 300 unit watts out (UWO) of power ability completing a wide range of applications
- High speed transmission delivers 2 speeds (0 450 & 1,500 rpm) for a range of fastening and drilling applications. Chuck Type - Keyless
- 1/2 inches single sleeve ratcheting chuck provides tight bit gripping strength
- Ergonomic handle delivers comfort and control.Tool Width:1.9 inch
- Maximum initial battery voltage (measured without a workload) is 20 volts. Nominal voltage is 18. Battery capacity: 1.3 Ampere hour
Professional Nail Drill Machine - Nail Drills for Acrylic Nails BTArtbox Portable Electric Nail Drill Rechargeable 30000rpm Efile Nail Drill for Gel Nails Remove, Gift for Women Home and Salon Use
- High Speed Up to 30000RPM: This nail drill machine designed with high adjustable 3000-30000rpm speed and support Forward/ Reverse direction; Low heat, low noise, low vibration, powerful and smooth enough for giving you a great precise nail grinding effect meanwhile there is no need to worry about hurting your nails. Professional for both home and salon use!!!
- Rechargeable, Cordless and Smarter LCD Display: This professional nail drill machine being charged for about 2 hours, continuous operate up to 10 hours without cord. Equipped with smart LCD Display, which can show clearly the suitable RPM to choose and accurate battery remaining capacity to recharge.
- Lightweight and Portable: 2.75x5.51 in(7x14 cm) small size and 0.6 pound(280 g) light weight are very easy to use this electric nail drill machine at anytime anywhere. This nail drill comes with the hook on the machine which could hang on your clothes, or put it in your pocket/ bag.
- Meet Normal Multi Uses: Comes with 6pcs nail drill bits for convenient replacements, and it works with all kinds of 3/32" nail drill bits; Powerful and smooth enough for natural acrylics nails, gel polish dip powder nails as well as removal cuticle dead skin, calluses. Professional for both home and salon use, for carving, engraving, routing, grinding, sharpening, sanding, cutting, polishing, drilling, and perfect for pet nail sanding.
- 100% Customer-Happy: BTArtbox Acrylic Nail Drill has approved the ROHS MSDS CE Certificate and with good quality UL adapter. Give you a safe and the best manicure experience. No question ask! If you don't like this efile nail drill for any reason, you can just contact us, we will try our best to fix your problem.
Cordless Drill with 2 Batteries - GOXAWEE Electric Screw Driver Set 100pcs with Hammer Function (30Nm, 18+3 Torque Setting, 2-Speed) for Home & DIY Project Drilling Walls, Bricks, Wood, Metal.
- ◆READY TO GO Drill Set: GOXAWEE Home Drill Set comes with a complete drill bit sets that can work on both wood and metal. The Masonry Drill Bit is especially for drill concrete hole. The extra up to 100pcs accessories enable the electric drill more functional & practical. The tool box is very sturdy and conveniently organizes the tool and accessories. It's a You Cannot Miss everyday Drill/Driver for home users.
- ◆NO INTERRUPTION on Project: You can constantly work your task. This cordless hammer drill came with 2pcs 1500mAh Li-ion Batteries and 1-hour fast charger that can use for a long time after each charge. The additional battery is a bonus that makes the cordless screwdriver drill always ready to use without restriction. It's also a good investment for the jobs around the house and garden.
- ◆Accurate Control & Adjustable Mode: The variable speed trigger allows for precise speed control by your own fingers. Besides, the cordless impact driver has a 2-speed setting button, 18 adjustable position clutch, 3 in 1 working mode (Hammer, Driver, Drill), with the max 30N.m torque which offers you all the daily needs. It's also a fantastic tool for DIYer and Crafter.
- ◆Quick Chuck & Easy Use: Working with this power drill is pretty easy and straightforward. The Auto-lock metal Keyless Chuck provides an automatic spindle lock that enables easy one-hand changing bits. It's a very lightweight handy drill, comfortable to hold, and it more than makes up for it in time savings. You will feel work has become more relaxed by using it.
- ◆Sweet Little Surprise: Wider range - Flexible Shaft can use in the places where driver bits are hard to reach; Versatile usage - The Drill Brush, in conjunction with the hammer drill can easily remove and clean stains; Warm after-sales - Once we received your messages, we will quick response and take action dependently.
BLACK+DECKER 20V MAX Drill & Home Tool Kit, 68 Piece (LDX120PK),Black/Orange
- Includes 20V Lithium drill for a variety of home projects, Hanging pictures or wall decor, Assembling furniture, Updating fixtures, Building birdhouses
- Lithium Ion Battery Always Ready, holds a charge up to 18 months
- The 11 position clutch prevents stripping and overdriving screws
- Included Components: (1) LDX120 Drill/Driver, (1) 20V MAX* Lithium Ion Battery, (1) Charger, (1) Storage Bag, (1) Tape Measure, (1) Adjustable Wrench, (1) Needle Nose Pliers, (2) Manual Screwdrivers, (1) Utility Knife, (1) Slip Joint Pliers, (1) 12 oz. Hammer, (1) Ratcheting Screwdriver, (4) Hole Saws with Mandrel, (32) Screwdriving Bits, (1) Magnetic Bit Holder, (10) Drilling Bits, (5) Spade Bits
BLACK+DECKER 20V MAX Drill & Home Tool Kit, 44 Piece (LDX50PK)
- 44 piece kit for your household project needs
- Drill and accessory set with over $95 Value
- 20V MAX* Lithium Ion Battery holds charge up to 18 Months
- Chuck Size: 3/8"; Included Components: (1) LDX120 Drill/Driver, (1) 20V MAX* 1.5Ah Battery, (1) Charger, (10) Drill Bits, (20) Screwdriving Bits, (1) Manual Screwdriver, (1) Magnetic Bit Holder, (10) Nut Drivers, (1) Tape Measure, (1) Bubble Level
BLACK+DECKER 12V MAX Drill & Home Tool Kit, 60-Piece (BDCDD12PK)
- 12 Volts Max cordless lithium drill
- 12V Max Lithium drill is 35 percent more compact than previous version
- 59 hand tools and accessories
- Convenient carrying case for storage and portability
- Included Components: (1) 8V Max Lithium Ion Drill, (1) Tool Bag, (1) Claw Hammer, (1) Tape Measure, (1) Adjustable Wrench, (1) Slip Joint Pliers, (1) Ratcheting Screwdriver, (1) Utility Knife, (4) Nut Drivers, (32) Screw driving Bits, (1) Level, (1) Drilling Bits, (1) Magnetic Bit Holder
Cordless Drill Driver Kit, 20V Max Impact Hammer Drill Set w/Lithium-Ion Battery, Fast Charger, 21+1+1 Clutch, 330 In-lb Torque, Variable Speed & Built-in LED for Drilling Walls, Bricks, Wood, Metal
- ☞【Proudly Present KIMO Battery】Over 25 years, KIMO has dedicated a whole engineering team that keeps updating its batteries to the best of its kind. It’s guaranteed that the life expectancy of each KIMO battery is at least 1,000 cycles. Stop worrying about dying batteries or batteries that won’t charge after minimal usage. KIMO’s got your back!
- ☞【21+1+1 Clutch & 2 Variable Speed】Equipped with 3 functions, screwdriving, drilling and impact drilling, this 2 variable speed (0-350RPM, 0-1350RPM) 21+1+1 clutch Drill Driver is your no.1 helper for your precise work around the house. Whether it’s household reconstruction, renovation, garden work or garage repairs, consider getting this KIMO drill as an one-stop solution.
- ☞【All Copper Motor & MAX 330 In-lb Torque】KIMO Cordless Drill features an All-Copper Motor that ensures stable operations and is much lighter, cooler and more efficient than aluminum motor drill drivers. Maximum 330 in-lb torque is ideal for drilling through or screwing in wood, metal, and plastic, fulfilling a wide range of needs.
- ☞【Compact, Lightweight 2 lbs Design, Built-in LED & Reverse Control】Compact (7-in front to back) design fits into tight areas, ultra lightweight (2.2-lb) minimizes user fatique. Comes with built-in LED light for increased visibility in enclosed work spaces or any dark environment.The forward/reverse switch allows screws to be removed or replaced once they are secured.
- ☞【46 piece Accesory come with KIMO Drill Driver Kit】Get your KIMO power kit without worrying about purchasing other accessories, KIMO Drill/Driver Kit includes 3 Brad Point Drill Bits, 6 Twist Drill Bits, 33 screwdriver bits, 3 Nut Driver Bits, 1 Carrying Bag, 1 Fast Charger, 1 Battery. We are confident that our docking are manufactured under strict quality standards to give our customers best experience.
BLACK+DECKER 12V MAX Cordless Drill/Driver (BDCDD12C)
- Anti-slip soft grip
- 11-position clutch
- Compact & lightweight design
- Chuck Size: 3/8" in; Chuck Type: Keyless; Clutch Setting: 11; Included Components: BDCDD12C Drill, (1) 12V MAX* Battery, (1) Battery Charger, (1) Double Ended Bit, User Manual
Rechargeable 30000RPM Electric Nail Drill Professional Portable E File Machine for Acrylic Nails Natural Extension Gel Nails Polish Cuticle, Cordless High Speed for Salon Use or Home DIY
- Professional Multi-Functional: Designed with 6pcs different metal bits and high adjustable 3000-30000 RPM. Low heat, low noise, low vibration. Powerful and smooth enough for natural acrylics nails, gel polish dip powder nails as well as removal cuticle dead skin, calluses. Professional for both home and salon use, for carving, engraving, routing, grinding, sharpening, sanding, cutting, polishing, drilling, and perfect for pet nail sanding.
- Rechargeable and Cordless, Smarter Speed and Battery LCD Display: Being charged for about 2 hours, and continuous use up to 10 hours without cord. Equipped with smart LCD Display, which can show clearly the suitable RPM to choose and accurate battery remaining capacity to recharge.
- Portable and Lightweight Design: Designed with a high-quality aluminum alloy long-life handpiece, low noise, low vibration, low heat for handling, suitable and safe for use. Convinent to carry around.
- Easy to Use: Switch Forward and Reverse Rotating suitable for Right-handers or Left-handers. Variable speed control for different usage needs. Improved wireless and smooth operation handpiece with a flexible extension. Twist lock chunk for hold bits tightly and quick bits release. Make your manicure more efficient and perfect SAVING MUCH YOUR TIME.
- Professional Technology and Quality Guarantee: AIRSEE Nail Drill has approved the RoHS MSDS CE Certificate and with good quality UL adapter. Give you a SAFE and the BEST manicure experience.
BLACK+DECKER 20V MAX Drill & Home Tool Kit, 34 Piece (BDCD120VA)
- Lithium Ion Technology & 20V MAX: Lighter, more compact, no memory, longer life
- 11 Position Clutch: Provides precise control for drilling into wood, metal, plastic, and all screw driving tasks
- Compact and Lightweight: Less fatigue and allows users to drill / screw in confined spaces
- Variable Speed: Allows countersinking without damaging material
- Includes various tools and bits for a variety of DIY options
Pink Power PP481 3.6 Volt Cordless Electric Screwdriver Rechargeable Screw Gun & Bit Set for Women - LED light, Battery Indicator and Pivoting Head
- ALL INCLUSIVE SCREWDRIVER SET: Each screwdriver set includes (1) PP481 electric screwdriver, (1) charger, an 11 piece bit set, a drill bit adapter, and a full three year warranty that protects against any damage or defects.
- PIVOTING HANDLE FOR TIGHT WORKSPACES: This 3.6V power screwdriver utilizes a patented pivoting head which enables it to fit into tighter workspaces. Use as a right-angle screwdriver (pistol grip), or press a button on the handle to rotate the unit straight.
- BUILT IN LED WORK LIGHT: The LED work light allows user to see into dark or confined workspaces. This hand tool is great for fixing loose screws, installing small light fixtures, hanging pictures or putting together furniture.
- LIGHTWEIGHT WITH SOFT GRIP HANDLE: Each battery-powered, cordless screwdriver weighs less than 12 ounces and comes with an internal 3.6V battery. The ¼” chuck will accept all standard size bits to help you tackle any project.
- BATTERY GAUGE SHOWS REMAINING POWER LEVEL: The powered LED work light and 200 RPM motor will help you start any home improvement project. The built-in battery gauge shows remaining power level so you’re never surprised by a low charge.
What's Up, Doc?
"Two days ago my husband ripped his elbow half off on a rusty nail. Yesterday, he cracked his skull and puffed-up his eyebrow with a power drill."
As we sat at the kitchen table with our morning coffee and my spiraling cigarette smoke, Winifred frowned at me and, shaking her head, spoke as if someone had entered the room. "In two days my husband destroyed himself."
I looked behind me. Seeing no one, I shrugged, sucked on my cigarette, blew a smoke ring at her nose, and played her third person game. "Your husband has an exciting life, Fred."
My wife hated smoke blown in her face. Worse, she hated her name shortened, but, ignoring me because she figured talking to the Maltese staring up at her reaped better results, she continued. "Two days ago my husband ripped his elbow half off on a rusty nail. Yesterday, he cracked his skull and puffed-up his eyebrow with a power drill."
She sipped her coffee and petted our Maltese, "Now my husband walks around in a daze . . . dizzy."
"Only if he moves," I said.
"He needs his head examined."
"Not necessary. Shrinks are out."
"He will see our doctor . . . At least with one eye."
"Oh, that doctor."
"Yes, that doctor," she said, as if answering the Maltese. "My husband's left elbow looks like a rotten tomato, so he needs a tetanus shot. And my husband's head. . . ." She reached up toward my puffy left eyebrow.
I ducked. "Don't touch! It hurts."
"It should. You drilled a hole in it."
"Did not. The drill only fell on my forehead."
"Well, the lump is too big to be your brain," she snorted. "So our regular doctor can handle it. Besides, you need a physical."
"I had one."
"Yeah. Three years ago."
"I'll get to it," I said, meaning later.
Meaning now, she picked up the telephone. "I'll make an appointment . . . For both of us."
Soon, I overheard half a conversation.
"Yes," she smirked. "This is urgent. His brain is hanging over his left eye . . . His elbow looks like something the butcher throws away at the meat market . . . And he hasn't had a physical in three years."
I heard a gasp from the other end of the line.
"Yes. Can you believe it?" She rolled her eyes. "Three years."
"Big deal," I mumbled.
"Thanks," my wife said. "He'll be right over."
"Damn," I muttered, heading for the shower while Fred made her own appointment for the following week.
When I arrived at the clinic, the waiting room resembled a coed library, except for the noisy children who raced from wall-to-wall, crawled on the floor, or hung inverted from the available seats. As I closed the door, some patients peered over their outdated magazines to check the health of this new arrival. One old, toothless guy, wearing a faded veteran's hat, scanned the lump on my head. He grinned, nodded, as if his own head had been there. I nodded back, and then, looking to the right through an oblong window, I nodded at the receptionist who forced a smile at me.
"We've been expecting you, sir," she said. "We'll look at that eye and elbow right away." Turning, the receptionist passed my health records to a nurse behind her and whispered from the side of her mouth. "He hasn't had a physical in three years."
The nurse's brow shot up. Her eyes enlarged as she mouthed the words. "Three years?"
The receptionist forced another smile at me. Then, pointing at an open doorway beside her window, she told me, "Follow the nurse, sir."
When I passed through the doorway, I heard the waiting room stir. Resenting my special attention, the reading patients slapped their magazines on the table and in unison everyone moaned. "Geez." I shrugged in innocence as I followed the nurse down a short, white corridor into a room 10 by 10 feet. While the nurse scurried around preparing the room for the next patient--me--we ducked and danced and bumped into the sink, the doctor's desk, the examining table, and each other. As she closed the door, she said, "Take your clothes off . . . Except your skivvies. The doctor will be right in."
"After I turn blue," I mumbled.
"Eh, thank you."
After I undressed, my skin invited goose bumps to the party. To help forget the chill, I played with the wall-mounted electronic eye and nose instruments. Then, bored with that, on the flat sink beside an open box of plastic gloves, I spied a tall jar filled with wooden tongue depressors. I took one, laid it on the back of my tongue, gagged, and almost puked. That was fun, I thought, as I tossed the stick into the wastebasket beside the desk. Although I was tired of waiting, tired of amusing myself, I resisted exploring the desk drawers. Instead, I sat and shivered my naked body on the noisy paper that covered the weird looking bed with the pull out metal footrests. I told the room. "And they don't understand why three years elapses between physicals."
I had read the dozen wall charts twice and stacked my third set of enlarged goose bumps when an attractive, over forty African-American rushed in wearing a doctor's white jacket and a swinging stethoscope from her neck. As my family doctor examined my puffed-closed eye and damaged elbow, she commented. "Three years, huh?"
"Yes, Doc," I told my favorite examiner. "I've been waiting here three years."
Ignoring my sarcasm, she cleaned my elbow and head wounds and taped a medicated compress on the back of my left arm and a bandage over my left eye. After she made me gag and almost puke on a tongue depressor, she took my blood pressure. Then she pushed and shoved against each goose bump until I grunted. When my skin flinched with each move of her cold stethoscope, I wanted to ask how long she stored that instrument in the freezer. However, I kept quiet while she listened to my inner machinery. Because she chewed her lower lip, when she dropped the stethoscope to her chest, I asked, "What's up, Doc?"
"Blood pressure . . . a little." Motioning me off the papered bed, she recited those fearful words. "Drop your skivvies. You sound healthy. Now we'll see if you feel healthy."
I lowered my skivvies to my knees and stood exposed. After she told me to cough, twice, she squeezed bumps as she looked for cancer lumps. She said, "That feels good."
"Easy for you to say, Doc." As I hurriedly pulling up my skivvies, I grinned.
She grinned wider. "Oh, no! Not so fast. Drop 'em."
I exposed myself again.
"Are you still smoking?" She asked, as she raised her left arm straight up. With her right hand, she pulled a lubricated glove over her fingers and left hand, and then held the glove sleeve stretched as if waiting for my answer.
"Yes . . . I'm down to three packs a day."
She let the glove sleeve snap against her brown forearm. Her dark eyes twinkled. "This is punishment for smoking. Turn around, bend over and rest your elbows . . . at least your good elbow . . . on the table." She pointed at the papered bed.
After I did what she told me, her finger reminded me why three years wasn't long enough between physicals. I thought she could find an easier way to probe my sinus cavity.
"Your prostate is normal," she assured me. "You can pull up your skivvies." Then she asked. "Any trouble peeing?"
"Good. Take this to the men's room." She passed me a vial small enough to check the eyesight of my good eye and the steadiness of my undamaged arm.
"Got anything smaller?"
"Sorry. An accident destroyed the larger ones. All you have to do is. . . ."
"I know," I interrupted. God, I thought. Why do those six dreaded words follow me around? I quoted what she started to say. "Fill the vial and take it to the Lab. Get a blood test."
"You passed my memory test, too," she mocked. "I'll call you at home if the Lab reports suggest problems. But first. . . ." A hypodermic needle punctured my arm before I realized she had anything in her hand. The second needle ignored my surprised yell at the first needle. "Antibiotic and tetanus," she explained. "Get dressed. Go pee."
Groping my way into the men's room with my left eye bandaged, I straddled a commode that resembled a shallow birdbath. I prepared myself for the task, turned my head sideways, and tried to focus my right eye on the vial in my hand. Once I started peeing, I couldn't stop, and my aim needed major adjustment. I hit my forearm, missed my wrist, drenched the wall, worked my stream back to the toilet seat, into the commode water for a spatter or two, and then dribbled into the vial between my thumb and finger. The vial received less than if I had spit in it twice.
Since I had exhausted my supply, I let the urine on my forearm drip into the vial. I'd let the janitor get the rest, I thought, as I washed up. Then I carried the urine vial down the short corridor where, through the open doorway, I saw the old, toothless guy wearing the faded veteran's hat still waiting behind a magazine.
When I reached the Lab, a nurse stood in the entrance as if waiting for me. I proudly passed her my urine sample. She held the vial up in disbelief, and smirked. "I need more than that."
"There's more on the men's room wall."
She shook her head, pouted, and motioned me to a chair inside the Lab. I sat and watched her insert my name-labeled vial into a tray with a dozen other urine samples. Then she slid the tray onto a low cart, placed an open container of used hypodermic needles next to the urine samples, and rolled the cart into the corridor just outside the door. Back in the Lab, she motioned to an orderly who worked in a far corner. "When you finish there, push those samples to urology . . . And dispose of the trash needles."
Returning to me, the nurse tied a bungee around my right biceps. Tightening the bungee until my good eye bulged, she punctured my good arm with what looked like a blunt nail with an attached milk jug. After the jug filled with my blood, she replaced it with another. When the second jug filled, she withdrew the blunt nail from my arm and gently covered the bloody wound with a gauze pad.
"Bend your arm," she smiled. "You're done."
Hurrying from the Lab with my right arm bent, I focused my right eye to avoid the door frame. I didn't see the urine sample cart on the left that still waited for the orderly. Hitting the cart with my left hipbone, the force sent the cart rolling down the white corridor toward the waiting room entrance and the magazine table beyond. With the vials rattling against one another, and the wheels thumping on the serrations of the tiled floor, the noisy cart quickly called up the attention of the waiting patients. Over their lowered magazines, their eyeballs expressed pending doom, but no one moved as their open-mouth stares froze on the rolling urine cart. I wondered if they were petrified or just listening to the music from the rattling vials.
The rattling ended, suddenly, when the urine cart front wheels hit the raised threshold at the waiting room entrance. With that sudden stop, the rear of the cart flipped, flinging vials, spattering urine, and catapulting hypodermic needles in multiple directions. When the urine vials and hypodermic needles went airborne like a medieval war arrow launch, the old, toothless guy, wearing the faded veteran's hat, remembered to yell. "Incoming . . . !"
Before finishing his warning, he dove under the magazine table. I never saw who become urine drenched or a hypodermic target. I ignored the yelling commotion, eased my way around the bodies scurrying around the waiting room, vaulted over the children playing on the floor, and opened and slammed the clinic door. Outside, in the quiet sunshine, I shook my head. I couldn't stand that every three years.